Resume bloopers

Below are some real examples from resumes I received, modified to protect the innocents. Each one is follwoed with my take on the quote.

1. Although I have no academic degree ,I authored multiple papers for master and undergraduate students. The papers got excellent grades and I was paid well.

  •   I’m dishonest, cheated for a living, and dim-witted enough to write about it in a CV.

2. My high school average grade is 107.

  •  It is actually possible in Israel , but not very relevant if you are over 22.

3. While working in ACME Corporation I also started a startup with two friends.

  •  I cheated on my former employers , failed miserably and now you have the opportunity to let me do it again.

4. English as a mother tonge.

  •  Excellent control of the spell checker as well.

5. Programming language : Basic, Logo, Turbo Pascal, C,C++, LISP, Visual Basic.

  • Someone once told me to mention every technology I have ever heard of.

6. Operating Systems : DOS, Windows 98,Windows 2003.

  • Not many people pratice DOS these days and I’m unique.

7. Army Service: Sniper. Finished first in Class.

  •  You’d better hire me, or else…

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